Surviving a miscarriage

 I will never forget the day I found out I was pregnant with my second child! We were over the moon as our little family of three was expanding to four! I had such a healthy first pregnancy with no complications (minus a third degree tear, ouch!) so with no worries in the world we told the world as soon as we found out, including the big sister to be! Went to our first prenatal visit at 8 weeks and saw our little blessing and heard the most amazing sound ever- the heartbeat! Got our clean bill of health and headed home! Although our little girl was still young and didn’t really understand much at the age of 3, she knew mommy had a baby in her belly. She had already mimicked daddy kissing the belly as we talked about whether  it would be a boy or girl and all the other big dreams we had planned. We went on our family vacation to the beach and talked about how the next beach trip would be different with not just one little one but two. Life was perfect! Although I had major morning sickness, which I never understood why they call it morning sickness when it should be called all day and night sickness! Even had some food cravings kicking in along with breast tenderness and weight gain started early enough to almost start wearing maternity pants. The day of my 12 week appointment I was so excited, I went with my husband and little girl to go hear that wonderful sound–the heartbeat. We went in and nurse checked me, she used a fetal Doppler and said she heard a glimpse of baby but couldn’t get a good reading saying it was because she was new, so sent me over to sonogram. No worries in the world just excited that not only I will get to hear baby, I will get to see baby!  As I laid there on the table waiting and waiting to hear that thump thump, the sonographer tech wasn’t saying anything, I began to pray and cry. She finally said let me go get the doctor, so in that instant I knew there was no heartbeat. The world stopped. The heartbreak started. The nurse came in and took our little girl to color and the doctor sat and explained the unexplainable. The baby stopped growing at only 9 & half weeks although my body was acting as if it was 12 weeks pregnant. The doctor scheduled me for D&C the next day. We left the office in silence except hearing my 3 year old talk about the baby. We made it down the road and my husband stopped at McDonald’s to take my little one to the potty and while there explained to her the best way he knew how that there was no more baby. Thinking and hoping that was going to help. Those were the only words that she understood so she kept repeating them over and over and over again No more baby! I was just numb in that moment so I don’t remember much of our 45 min ride back home that felt like I was in a tunnel. I was met at home with my parents and best friend that helped with my little one and let me and my husband just cry. The next morning I was scheduled for my D&C, my best friend and husband went with me. I am VERY scared to be put to sleep. I remember crying the whole way there, just sick still from the “morning sickness” my body was still experiencing, which made it worse. I hated my body for killing my baby and not telling me. I never knew that something was wrong. A healthy first pregnancy made me foolishly think that I was going to automatically have another healthy pregnancy. As I laid there hating myself, the anesthesiologist came in to give me my “cocktail” and wheeled my bed into a very cold bright room where I had a total meltdown! I still to this day have nightmares of that very moment! I screamed and cried trying to get out of my restraints and then….. Out! I woke up in some cramping pain, nothing too serious. It was over. No baby, nothing. It’s like going on vacation with no souvenir. I was leaving with nothing but heartache. I had major bleeding for the following week along with out of this world unbearable pain from cramps and heartbreak.

I Prayed to God whom I was mad at and I  still had such a hate for my own body, I had a great support group of family and friends. People started opening up to me about their experiences with miscarriages which seemed to help knowing there was a light at the end of this lonely tunnel I was in. Such a hard time was seeing people that would ask how my pregnancy was going (not knowing I had lost my baby). My doctor said 40% of pregnancies end in miscarriage. It was way more common than I ever thought.Although the doctor said it could have been a number of things that went wrong, we were clear to whenever we felt the time was right, that we could try again. I know time does heal but the sadness will always be there. It took awhile but I wasn’t getting any younger and we really wanted our children to be close in age, we tried again about 5 months later. We didn’t tell but just a few people. Scared and nervous we went to our first appointment at 7 weeks and heard the sweet sound of the heartbeat. Trying not to be excited, baby was growing good and we went home with our clean bill of health and prayed for the best. It was so hard to not get excited but at the same time we wanted to be positive. Doctor wanted to keep a close check and said to come back in 2 weeks. I went back at 9 and half weeks to get the same thing as the first, No heartbeat. Laying there yet again praying and crying as the nurse went to get the doctor, the heartache started again. All the emotions rushed back in like a desert flood. Had to go to the hospital that day for the D&C. I thought how could this happen again. What am I doing wrong? Why is God punishing me? The thoughts just kept coming in. Again, I had a great support group that helped me through it yet again. Some of the hardest days were the milestone dates, thinking the baby should be a cantaloup by now. Then the due date, We planned a trip to Disney world that week so that I could stay busy with planning the trip. It helped a lot.   

 

The aftermath of a miscarriage leaves people to deal with it in different ways. There are some that can never speak of it and want to be left in isolation, some like me talk and get it off our chest. Either way is fine, I don’t believe there is a right or wrong way to deal with it. Allow yourself to go through the grieving process. Surviving a miscarriage is hard, you just have to keep moving forward. Having to experience a loss is a challenge that you just have to find a way to overcome. I wish I had known before how common miscarriages were and I will never take for granted what a true Miracle a baby really is. My baby was just with me for a short time but will always be in my heart forever. I will forever love both of my babies that I lost. After everything settled down we went to a reproductive endocrinologist for testing on myself and husband. All results were clear. We will never know what happen. Although we weren’t trying and actually didn’t think we even wanted to try again because of the pain we experienced but 9 months later we welcomed our rainbow baby! It was a long 9 months with many scares along the way but nervously and anxiously we met our little girl as she came out screaming crying! Which was the best sound!

My advice is to keep going but at your own pace. Pray hard, God has a plan whether we may or may not understand. Lean on those close friends and family to help you get through it and it’s ok to cry and let it out. Forgive, forgive yourself and accept that things just happen and it doesn’t have to be somebody’s fault or God’s punishment.

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